Sparkle 2012 (Saturday)

I woke up Saturday morning full of energy. Once Diana and myself were ready we went to the Olive Deli for  breakfast and then on to the Arndale for a spot of shopping. Diana found a beautiful dress while I bought some essentials. I did take her to a shop she had asked me about and managed to get a couple of photos on the way.Unfortunately the only photos I have are of myself.

It came time for us to head back to The Village and Sparkle in the Park.

Sackville Gardens was very busy. Everything was in full swing. Live music on the stage a multitude of stalls.

I noticed there were a lot of apparently non trans people out enjoying themselves. This year I would say Sparkle attracted a very diverse crowd. It was fantastic to see. In the media this year we have had the reality series television 'My Transsexual Summer' which I'm sorry to say I never saw. Some of the stars of that series were out at Sparkle. This year as well we also had the trans based drama 'Hit and Miss' which I did see. I hope these programmes had a positive effect on the general public's perception of transgender people.

The atmosphere in the park I felt was very relaxed so maybe a positive change has begun.

While in the gardens I bumped into a few people I know. I managed a brief chat with Kristina a lovely lass who went with me to the Alan Turing Exhibition last time I was in Manchester. I would take Diana and Alex to see it on Sunday.

One funny thing was the students, who I think were on a annual pub crawl, dressed as cartoon characters.

It came time to go back to the apartment and get changed for the evening. I left earlier than Diana, Kate and Kitty as it takes me longer to get ready. I take longer I guess because in the end  I have more to hide especially when it comes to shaving. It would be a dream just to redo my make up and change clothes. Wearing a wig is not so much of a problem when it's comfortable. I guess the cruel joke is I am losing the one set of hair I want to keep.

I got a good head start getting ready before everyone arrived back at the apartment.

When we were all ready we took in a few places including Eden and the Retro Bar

but ended up in Naps which as you can imagine got very busy.

Saturday is the highlight of Sparkle but this year more people seemed to stay over for Sunday.

The night came to an end and my shortest stay in Manchester for awhile was rapidly drawing to a close.

I said goodbye to Kate and Kitty as they would be out on Sunday. It was time for some sleep. I had one full day left.  

  

Sparkle 2012 (Friday)

Sparkle The National Transgender Celebration, I was not sure I was going to make it to Manchester for this one with all the things going on in my life at the moment. I did make it and was so glad because I had a wonderful time.
This was my third Sparkle and the best one yet, for me at least. I felt the atmosphere was very relaxed and friendly. There seemed to be more non trans people at this one than at the other two I've attended and that was great to see. I hope this is a sign that society is beginning to see that we are people who want to express ourselves and contribute to the wider whole in a positive way.
I saw and heard quite a few things about Transphobia over the weekend. When people target a group to discriminate, hurt and sometimes ultimately kill a person for who they are. It makes me wonder if they ever question or look deep within themselves as to  why they have these feelings. I must admit from a young age knowing I was transgender frightened me. Other peoples attitudes and how people may view and treat me scares the life out of me to this day.
Sparkle is a weekend where I can put that all aside for a short time, be with friends, meet new people and effectively allow my female aspect full reign.
I got into Manchester about Midday and went to Taurus where they let me use their changing facility. I would be staying with Diana at The Atrium Apartments. Diana would not get into Manchester till about 3 30pm. I must give a big thanks to Diana for letting me stay with her.
After I got changed I met up with Kate and Kitty for a drink. I was back with friends as what I feel is my true self.
A hectic and wonderful weekend had begun.
I met up with Diana to get the apartment. We then went to Taurus. The evening got very busy and the day caught up with me and I had to get some sleep, so just before midnight I left my friends to go to bed. I felt a very happy and contented woman, or as near as I can get to feeling that way.

Looking very rough and tired

  

Wandering {2)

Friday

I had a quite day by myself. A bit of shopping. I was looking for clothes for Manchester Pride which I hope to attend and spend 2 weeks in Manchester. It's quite a prospect for me and I hope to learn more about myself.
I spent the morning clothes shopping, but still couldn't find a handbag I liked.
In the afternoon I decided to take a walk out to Sport City and the Etihad Stadium home of Manchester City. I managed to get a photo balancing the camera on a wheelie bin.

I had a few strange looks but no one bothered me. Probably thought whats that strange woman up to, but more than likely they thought something else.
It was an interesting walk and I had gone out of the city center I felt really pleased with myself. I have always loved exploring places to see what I might find.
That evening back in The Village I met up with a few girls and I'm sad to say I can't remember their names. One Tgirl came out to her boss's sister who for some reason was in Naps with a friend. It was nice bumping into Pip who I'd met with my friend Diana at Sparkle last year.

I stayed out longer that I planned to and was looking a bit haggard, but I'd another wonderful day.

Saturday
I met up with Kristina and we had a wonderful day which included a visit to the Alan Turing exhibition at the Manchester Museum. The rain was still pouring down so we took the bus.
That night Kate came out but unfortunately Kristina missed her as she had to get home.

Sunday
It was a beautiful day. The sun finally came out. Most of the day spent relaxing in Taurus with my friends.
This is a bit of a hurried finish to this post. I am now a day away from Sparkle and I think I've put a few problems which have been dogging me of late behind me. There are others on the horizon, but I'll deal with them as they come.
One thing that saddens me is the realization I can never transition. There are times I feel like I  am in agony, emotionally. Perhaps I am a sad case, but I fight to stay alive and stay reasonably happy. This is my life. I don't have what I want, but I do have what I need to face each day, one at a time.
The Judie Tzuke song 'Left Hand Talking' comes to mind for some reason.

Love and Light
Karen xx

Wandering {1}

Wednesday

It's been a couple of months since I was last out and I've had my ups and downs. It was wonderful meeting Kate in Taurus before I got my room and then changed. In the evening we went to Manchester Concord and  then Naps for some dancing. Kitty as I call her or Mrs Kate as some know her came out later. It was wonderful to see her. I felt at home in the company of 2 dear friends who are a wonderful couple and also caught up on whats been happening in The Village since last time.
I am not really one for wearing a dress, but it does occasionally happen and I decided to wear the one I wore last time when I got a bit of hassle. I guess I was trying to put a fear to bed and be myself and how I want to be.

I had a wonderful time out with Kate and Kitty and this would set the tone for this time. I was having problems with my nails and needed a new handbag, but that would get sorted out. This time I wouldn't venture outside Manchester, but would expand my personal boundary a little.

Thursday

I took a trip to The Trafford Centre to meet up with Kate. I decided to take the bus which I hadn't done before and I must admit was a bit frightening for me,but I had no problems and ended up enjoying the trip.
I had another lovely day with Kate, shopping and a meal. It was busy, more than I expected, but that wasn't a problem. Kate kindly gave me a lift back to The Village. I ended up having an early night as I was very tired  .My first 2 days had been like a wonderful dream.

Stranger Times (Part 5)

My last day out and it would teach me a couple of things.
There was a dress I really wanted that I had seen while out shopping with Diana. I had seen it at a Phase 8 concession in Debanhams. Unfortunately they didn't have my size. I decided to go to  their shop on King St.

I found the shop and went in for a look. They didn't have the dress in black that I had originally seen, but there were ones in purple and grey. I didn't really like the purple, but loved the grey which I thought was nicer than the black I had seen. I kept looking at the grey and then got the courage up to ask the shop assistant about the sizes and which one might fit.
She smiled at me and said, 'You really like that one, it is beautiful'.
I answered, 'Yes'.
After a bit of discussion I bought a grey one. The shop assistant was really good and gave me some advice as well.
I now had to get some shoes with a heel to go with the dress.
I went on a search and took my time trying shoes in different shops to find a pair I could actually walk in.
I have a problem with heels for a few reasons. One is my height. I found a nice pair in M&S. It had been a productive morning shopping, but I don't think my credit card was happy.
I went then to Afflecks Market so see my friend at the  crystal stall now renamed Crystalhenge. It's always a pleasure to see him and have a chat. We both have different beliefs. Me, I basically follow my own Wiccan path. I respect other people's beliefs. I do love chatting to other people about theirs as I feel you can always learn something that will help on this journey. My beliefs are my own I would never push them on anyone else. People have asked me questions on them. That's ok, but somethings are private.
I went back to my hotel to try my new dress on. I didn't try it in the shop because I find it a problem, so they told me if there were any problems to bring it back.

Terrible photo of me with new dress and shoes

The dress fitted fine and I was extremely happy with it and the shoes. This was a big departure from jeans for me. It is nice to get dressed up once in a while, but perhaps this was a mistake.
That evening I was meeting up with Kate. Unfortunately Diana and Kitty couldn't make it..
Before I met up with Kate, I called in at Manchester Concord which had moved to Villagio from NYNY. Diana and myself had bumped into Karen and Mary getting everything ready on the previous Saturday.
At Concord I had a lovely chat with Leigh who was out presenting as male that night. S/he  really liked my outfit and jewellery.

     Couldn't help myself with this picture. The necklace is my angel feathers that I have had for a long time. One of the first pieces of jewellery I bought in Manchester. There is also a heart wrist torque bangle and my wrist cuff bracelet which I wear a lot regardless of how I am presenting.

I was once never to bothered about jewellery, but now I love it and some pieces I own have become very special to me.
I went along to Taurus to meet Kate. It was great to see Kate again. I hadn't seen her much on this time out.

 
 Kate in Taurus

In Taurus a gay man probably in his twenties went a bit over the top complementing me  and how good I looked in my new dress. It was a bit much, but I had to smile. It is nice to get a complement on how you look, but to my way of thinking being almost invisible and not noticed is the best complement. I was getting noticed more than usual which was not good and I should have taken notice of the warning signs. 

   
Kate and myself had a couple of drinks and then went to the Molly House. Kate did comment I looked taller and then noticed my shoes. The heels aren't high, but wearing any heel is unusual for me.

We ended up in Naps, my time out was coming to an end. A few dances and a couple of drinks, Kate then had to leave for home. It had been great seeing her and we said our farewells. I decided to stay in Naps for a bit longer which was a mistake.
I stayed to about 2am and then went to get my coat. The lady behind the bar at the cloakroom retrieved my coat and came round from behind the bar to help me on with it. Another unusual occurrence.
She smiled and bid me good night.
I walked towards Clone Zone and McTucky's fast food outlet  on Sackville St. The road was busy with traffic. There were quite a few people at the fast food place. Some youths were loitering there.
At McTuckys 3 youths surrounded me. I heard a comment. 'Fucking Queer', and then laughter. The one on my right shoulder barged me. The one behind me had me worried and the one in front of me tried to block my way. I kept walking and felt another shoulder. I was bigger so he didn't impede me and I was ready. I got through and increased my pace. I got round the corner and increased my pace a bit more. I was headed towards the New Union where I was staying.
There were a couple of people walking up Canal St. I kept a fast pace about 20 to 30 yards behind me they were following. I got to GAY which was still open and I said to a female door person that I was been followed by  3 youths that had given me some hassle. I pointed to them. They had slowed and were laughing. They were still about at least 20 yards away. I then shot into the New Union and back to my room. I was quite shaken by the experience.
It was a horrible end to a wonderful time out. A couple of days later after I got home I filled out a crime report on the GIRES site.
http://www.gires.org.uk/,

I don't want to end this on a horrible note. I'd  had a great time, but I did learn that drawing attention to myself with what I wear is not a good idea. The dress I bought, I don't know when and if I'll wear it again. I did find that I can move in the heels I bought, but they do increase my height which is not good.
Walking back with Kristina from the show on the Thursday and the cinema on the Tuesday with no hassle was a real confidence boost. I am not the most confident person. I know I am read when out. I look at my friends and how good they look. The way I walk and carry myself, coupled with my height gives me away everytime. Just looking at me, plenty of people have said, 'Thats a bloke'.
In the end thats ok, because I know the majority of people are busy getting on with their own lives to bother about me. All I really want is to be me and be able to go shopping, out for a drink and a meal, go to a show, visit art galleries and museums and travel to other places on the train or just use public transport without hinderance. It's all mundane and not much to ask for, but I guess some people are always going to see me as a figure to be laughed and pointed at. I can cope with that, but being so far from home, physical intimidation is a different matter. The simple fact is, if I have to defend myself, I will.
I'd learned quite a bit from the different people I spoke to, but there was one thing my friend Diana did for me that really made my trip.
Diana had made up a wonderful DVD from photos and short video clips of when herself, Kate and Kitty took me to Blackpool last year for my birthday..
When I got home I watched it and it really lifted my spirit. It's something I really treasure.
Diana if you read this. Thank You My Friend.
I've set up for my next trip to Manchester and then Sparkle and after that hopefully Pride.
Until then
Love and Light
Karen xxx      


    

Stranger Times (Part Four)

Tuesday

Everyone had gone home and on the Monday with Diana's help I had moved hotels to The New Union in The Village. Usually when I extend my stay from 5 to 8 nights on the Tuesday I am on my own and it also seems to be the quietest night in The Village.This time Kristina would be coming out for a night at the cinema.
In the morning I went into the Arndale looking for another dress for Wednesday night. I didn't find one but found a nice red top and some t-shirts. I also bought 400 artificial nails which I have a few ideas for.
I didn't have breakfast so just after midday I headed back to The Village.
I went to the Olive Deli for a tuna panni and coffee. It was nice sitting there reading a book I had bought. I felt so relaxed and happy. I'd had a fantastic time out so far. The weather was lovely. I hadn't seen the news for awhile and I didn't know what was going on in the world and at that point in time I didn't really care to know.
I went for a drink in Taurus and Paddy's Goose and then about 2pm I went back to the hotel to get changed for the evening. Kristina was due in The Village about 4pm and would use my room to get changed.
When Kristina arrived I went down to the bar to give her some privacy. The bar in the New Union attracts a variety of colourful characters. There were 2 groups of lads a bit drunk singing to each other 'you're getting married in the morning'. Two of the lads weren't singing but smiling in among them. I realised this was 2 gay stag parties that had met up. It did cross my mind and I wondered if it was unlucky for the groom to see the groom the night before. I really thought it was wonderful and I hope their partnership is sucessful.  I've touched on gay marriage in the last post.
Standing beside me at the bar was a man wearing a kilt. I couldn't resist asking him if he from Scotland. He replied in the affirmative and proceeded to tell me how he didn't like Scotland as it was so backward where the gay community was concerned. I couldn't really disagree with him. Gay bars in my limited exprience in the major cities of Scotland aren't very obvious. The rainbow flag is rarely seen. It's very hard to tell if you are in at least a LGBT friendly bar.
He also told me about some of the bars and men  in The Village annoyed him. He went on about blokes who spent hours in the gym to develop toned and muscular bodies and then when you spoke to them they had really effeminate voices. He told me about one guy who he fancied, who was a body builder, but when he spoke, he told him his mother had a deeper voice than him. He said to me that I was doing a good job of trying to present as the person I wanted to be and he respected that. He said he could not stand men spending so much time and effort to look as masculine as possible, but then ruin it . He liked his men to be men.
It was an interesting conversation and gave me another insight.
I decided to check on Kristina. I thought she shouldn't be far of ready.
She was ready and we went for a  bite to eat at Taurus.
After our meal we walked to the AMC cinema, I think it's called at Deansgate, I think. When we got there I asked Kristina what type of films she liked. Looking at the films on show I suggested The Exotic Marigold Hotel'. There was a slight problem we had just over an hour before it started, so we decided to walk over to The Printworks to see what was on there. Nothing seemed to be working at The Printworks so we went back to the AMC. I was actually enjoying the walk it was a lovely evening.

  
Kristina in The Village before we set off on our cinema trek

By the AMC cinema

At the AMC we got tickets for the Exotic Marigold Hotel and had a coffee before we saw the film.

I really enjoyed the film. It was funny a bit sad, but ultimately uplifting. I think Kristina enjoyed it as well.
Leaving the cinema we walked back to The Village and made it back in time for Kristina to get her case from my room and catch her train.
I had one day left and that would ultimately end up testing me and bringing some fears to life. I would also find a beautiful dress that has become my favourite, but wearing it attracted way to much attention for me. I'll leave that for a final post.

Stranger Times (Part 3)

Sunday

Diana and myself had  a quiet day. Didn't get up to early and went for a wander round the Arndale.
In the evening we met a lass from Cumbria in Naps we had met before I think at Sparkle last year.

Monday

Diana and myself had a big breakfast in the Retro Bar and then alittle later we had some cake in the Richmond Tea Room. It was a self indulgent morning but lovely. It was wonderful that Diana stayed over in The Village. I was worried that she may be a bit bored and perhaps the late nights were taking their toll. I know they were on me. I love being in Manchester and shopping perhaps not so exciting to a lot of people. One thing I noticed about Diana and Kate had mentioned it to me as well, is how great and femminine she looks. To be honest everything she has done has worked. I saw her in so called bob mode not so long ago and she looked great, such a difference from when I saw her 4 years ago.  A wonderful female friend I am lucky to know.

     Another picture Diana kindly took

Diana left for home in the evening and I ended up in the Molly House bar talking to a gay guy about sex among other things.
We talked about health issues and he asked me about crossdressers and was it true that most are hetro. I answered as far as I knew, yes. He asked if I was. I just said that I guess so, but that I hadn't been sexually active with anyone in years. When he asked why, I said it was probably due to damage to my central nervous system from an over active immune system.
He looked at me and said,"My immune system is on the floor if you know what I mean?".
That was a hell of a thing to tell me. I really felt for him. He told me how he hadn't been with anyone for years.
He told me,' You survive, try to look after yourself and get on with life'.
How do you cope with a disease that will wreck your defences and could allow something else that wouldn't normally affect you to bad, but now could now kill you.
I know people are living longer, but still there is no cure.
When I stay inThe Village I always make a point of visiting The Beacon of Hope which is there to remember the victims of AIDS who have passed on.
Talking to him put my own problems in perspective. I am very lucky.
I don't feel the sexual urge very often and when it comes on it will eventually pass.
The biggest thing for me is just being able to be who I want to be, but unfortunately a lot of people equate that to sexuality. It seems for a lot of people your sexuality is a major part of what defines your identity. This can cause a lot of problems.
If you say you are not interested in sex, you are not believed or some sort of freak.
I find it very interesting how the different groups within the LGBT view each other. One thing I get from talking to people is that they don't know each other very well at all and then you throw hetro people into the mix and it just gets even more confused and very nasty. Just look at the on going gay marriage debate for one.
In an interview Clint Eastwood kept it very simple-

 These people who are making a big deal out of gay marriage?” Eastwood opined. “I don’t give a fuck about who wants to get married to anybody else! Why not?! We’re making a big deal out of things we shouldn’t be making a deal out of.”
.”“They go on and on with all this bullshit about ‘sanctity’ — don’t give me that sanctity crap! Just give everybody the chance to have the life they want."

Stranger times indeed, when a man like Mr Eastwood can keep it this simple why can't the rest of the world, and then move forward so we can live a life free from fear.

When it comes down to it I don't know what it is like to be female, but then again being male is another question. I know what it is to be Transgender. I would have loved to be born female.
I hate the male parts of my body and would quite happily see them gone, but then it's a case of careful what you wish for.
I did once have a blog called Limbo Land which dealt with another aspect of my life, but I know I've been in Limbo Land all my life and will never leave. Sad admission to make, but I understand I've got to make the best of it. Perhaps what I learn in this life will help me further on.
One thing that was funny on the Saturday was a group of lesbians promoting a dating site 'Single Gay Female' for lesbians told me I was a single gay female and that they accepted male to female transgender people as members. They gave me a wristband and badge. Nice marketing ploy and I wish, maybe in another life. 

.

Stranger Times (Part 2 Leeds )

Friday

I woke up after a reasonably early night and I managed to get  breakfast at the Retro Bar before it filled with construction workers. Before I left it was quite full.
Diana and her friend Alex would be coming to pick me up in the afternoon for a night out in Leeds. First I needed to buy a dress. I went to the Arndale. I must admit my favourite pastime is shopping. I love being able to wander round the shops and when I find something I like it makes my day. This time out by the time I had to go home I had problems fitting my clothes and shoes into my bag. When out shopping I very rarely try anything on. I find using  changing rooms intimidating. Most shop assistants are great and very helpful.
I found a lovely green dress in Debenhams. Simple design and I think it suits me, plus green, I think is one of my colours.
I had a fantastic morning shopping and was very pleased with myself.
I went back to my hotel and packed a not so small overnight bag and then met up with Diana and Alex who drove us through to Leeds.
Once in Leeds and booked into the hotel I found I  had forgotten my toothbrush. The 3 of us went to find a chemist.  After finding and buying our essentials we returned to the hotel to get ready.
We were in Leeds for a T event called 'Leeds First Friday'. I had been a couple of times before and really enjoyed myself.
First we went for a lovely meal at The Cosmopolitan. Then it was on to a couple of bars.

Me  in my new dress     

Diana and Alex looking absolutely beautiful

Looks like I am shouting for a drink

The ugly one still smoking

We went to The Viaduct and watch a great cabaret. I got talking to a genetic girl who was made up that I knew the country of her birth and had been there. She also wanted to know where I had bought my dress.
We ended up in the Loft at Queens Court where we met Tina who was out for a night with some friends. 

Myself and Tina

The night came to an end and I felt really tired, perhaps I am really feeling my age.

Saturday

Back in Manchester in the afternoon, Diana got her room at my hotel and then  we went for a wander around the shops in the Northern Quarter which I had never really been round.

In the evening we met up with Kate in Taurus, Alex went to meet up with some friends.

After dancing in Naps till after 3am the night came to a end.