Time Passes So Quickly

I spent a wonderful 5 days in Manchester and Blackpool virtually out full time. It's amazing how quickly the time passed. Unfortunately last time I did something similar awhile back my eye went haywire when I got home.
On the Wednesday when the train pulled into Manchester an overwhelming feeling of joy engulfed me. It felt like I was home. I get to be really me. Now Manchester wouldn't be described as beautiful city by many, but it is to me. I've heard some TG people say that staying in the Village is just swapping one closet for another,but really who cares. It's not a competition to see how far you can open the door. It's about living and enjoying life.

I got my room and then quickly went to the chemist to get some make up remover and assorted other bits and clear nail varnish. I've never worn nail varnish, but decided to give it a go. I must admit my nails do look better even with the clear.
That evening I met up with Kate and Diana, for a meal in Eden. It was great to see them both and catch up. In Naps there was a young gay lad bouncing around like a loon and was trying to look up my skirt so Diana told me when he was rolling about the dance floor. On the Friday when I went to the New Union where Diana was staying. While I was waiting for her in the bar 2 young lads who said they were free lance journalists asked me if they could interview me about the gay scene in Manchester. I told them that I am not gay, but they said they would still like my views. I've heard some lines in my time, but I said ok. They were polite and not being annoying. They did ask how I would describe my sexuality. I told them I am hetro, but haven't had sex in years and it does not bother me so I'm probably asexual. They seemed to be surprised and intrigued by this. I told them me presenting as female does not have anything to do with sex. If the right woman came along fine.but I am not looking. I'm happy with who I am and I really don't want the trauma of coming out to a partner again. Diana turned up and recognised one of them. He was the lad who was rolling about the dance floor on Wednesday. Give him his due he was embarrassed and apologised. We both were asked some more questions. I always wonder why people have to equate being TG with sexuality. For me it's about my identity and I love being out just doing normal day to day things like shopping, going for a coffee, even just going for a walk when presenting as female. It's not overwhelming where I feel the need to transition. There was a time I felt I may be on that journey and it was a hellish confusing time for me. I don't know if there is a tipping point you reach, but if there is I didn't. I really don't know what people go through to get to where they have no choice but to transition. I have the greatest respect for them, because it is a tough journey to take, probably one of the toughest to take in this life. One of these days perhaps the society we live in will one day recognise that and stop the crap.
I guess I've got a bit of track.
On Thursday I was by myself so I went into the city centre to do some shopping. I bought a few tops, cardigans and a pair of ankle boots and a couple of pieces of jewellery. I had no problems. All the shop assistants were fantastic. I was probably wandering round with a big smile on my face. If you look happy I think people respond to that. That night I went to Taurus for a meal. I must say the staff in Taurus are great. I always enjoy eating there. A couple of drinks in View and I decided to have an early night, Back in my room I checked my email and stuck a DVD on,
Tomorrow I was meeting Kate and going to the Trafford Centre. I went to bed feeling like a very happy girl. Every time I'm out I never want it to end. It's like living in a beautiful dream, I know that's the best it will be, but a least I can live that dream for a short time. In that respect I feel like the luckiest person in the world.
Friday morning I had to get the train to where I was meeting Kate. I had suggested this to save her driving into the city centre to pick me up as we were going out to the Trafford Centre. It turned out I had to change trains at Oxford Road. I could have walked to Oxford Road but couldn't remember how to get there. The first train was absolutely packed. The second was the completely the opposite. I got to where I was going and met Kate. We went to her house first for a coffee and to see Mrs Kate who was feeling under a bit under the weather. It was good to see Mrs Kate wasn't to bad she said she would be out with Kate on Saturday. The 2 Kates are a lovely couple and it was an honour to see their beautiful home.
We went off to the Trafford Centre for a great afternoon shopping and lunch. It was great being able to have a chat with Kate without the loud music you get in the bars at night in the Village. I love getting out with my friends during the day and just doing everyday stuff. Afterwards Kate ran me back to the Village.
That night I met up with Diana during the infamous interview. We went for a meal in Taurus and Kate turned up as we finished. Unfortunately there was a bit of a mix up, but Kate got something to eat and then we went to the New Union to find Emma and Mrs Emma. We didn't find them, but after a couple of texts we went over to Eden to see them. It was great to see them both and after a couple of drinks we all decided to go over to Manto a bar we had never been it before. Now leaving Eden I had a quite unsavory moment. I was last out and it was quite busy and we had to pass this bloke who was very drunk. 2 women were telling him to let us pass. As I was passing he grabbed me and put his arm round my shoulders. I told him to get of me and he just squeezed tighter. The 2 women told him to let me be. He thought this was funny.
I am not violent, but I told him in no uncertain terms that if he did not get his hands of me I would flatten him. He released me and gave me the stare, but thought better of doing anything as others were watching him now. There are lots of blokes about in this country who have to act like complete idiots and try to make other peoples lives a misery for their own amusement. To me the drunken antics of some people up and down the UK is a sad reflection of this country. I have no problem with people drinking, just the moronic behavior.
The next night, Saturday, we all met up in Velvet joined by Mrs Kate, Mandy and Tina. It was great to see them again. Before that Diana and myself did some more shopping in the afternoon we had to get back early as we were all meeting up about 6pm for a meal and then try a few places the others hadn't been in the Village. There was 8 of us in Velvet and we had a good meal, chat and a few laughs. We ended up going to few places later on, Churchhills, Spirit, New York New York and finally Naps New York New York was boiling. The heat got to be to much. I remember Mandy was suffering and I ended outside with her. I think I called it a night at about 3am. Later that morning Di and myself would take a trip up to Blackpool.

Di and myself got the train a Piccadilly. It took just over an hour to Blackpool it was a beautiful day actually very warm. We walked all the way to the South Pier and back again from the North Pier so we probably did a few miles. In a cafe Di left her jacket and I forgot to pay. The assistant came out after us and I was mortified. She was fine, but I felt really bad. We had a wander on to the South Pier but didn't stay long as it was really busy. We went to the Flying Handbag a T friendly bar and then a nearby Indian Restaurant. After the meal we went back to the Flying Handbag for a couple more drinks and met Karen another tgirl up from North Wales I think.
It came time for us to get the train back to Manchester. We got back about 10pm. We went for a couple of drinks in Taurus and then all to soon we parted company. My time out as Karen was effectively over.
I know a lot of what I have written is probably very boring, but for me being able to present as female makes me feel so alive. I can leave my male side behind for awhile. I am always very sad when my times out end and I know I will get down , but there is always next time.
To my friends, Kate, Mrs Kate, Diana, Emma. Mrs Emma, Mandy and Tina, if you read this and get this far, thank you for a fantastic 5 days.
Love
Karen xxx

Alive and Kicking Again

Well the last post written while sitting in the hotel room waiting to go out is quite funny to me now. My fear was unfounded as I knew it would be. I looked out the window, I was up on the 4th floor. I had a view of the hotel entrance. There was a taxi rank which was quite busy and there were loads of people out smoking. I could hear lots of shouting. Getting a hotel in Newcastle can be difficult at the weekend due to the amount of stag and hen parties.

I grabbed my handbag and went out the door. I closed my good eye for a few seconds walking down the corridor. The other one was definitely a bit worse, but I knew that wouldn't last. This really felt like that first time I walked out in Manchester. Into the lift, through the reception and outside. I walked by with my head up and a smile on my face not rushing. I didn't hear or see anything directed at me. I felt very nervous but really alive. All I could think off was 'This is me, and I love it.

Out on the street I was heading towards the Centre for Life which wasn't far away. I was meeting Bea and whoever else was coming out in a bar called Twist. I was first there even though I was a bit late, but that wasn't a problem. I got an orange juice, alcohol is virtually out these days, and I sat by the window. I had calmed down, but emotionally I seemed to be in overdrive. I was so happy to be out. Bea and Karen Dawn turned up and it fantastic to see Bea again and meet Karen. It seems there are a few Karen's in Newcastle, a popular name. Karen and myself had the idea that we should find as many girls called Karen and have a night out in Newcastle and totally confuse Bea. Karen told me she has been coming out for about 3 months, but she has had a constant battle throughout her life and is heading towards transition. This has taken a toll on her personal life. A lovely lady, I really wish her all the best. Denny then turned up who I had met before. Denny is also in the process of transition, female to male and I think he said he had got his gender recognition certificate. Denny really is a nice bloke, a bit quiet, but I guess it's a bit difficult listening to us lot.

We went of to the Chinese restaurant where we met Gemma. Now there were a few good natured nose jokes. Gemma had not long had her nose done, and we got the photos and story. Bea did then go quieter. I thought Gemma looked really well and I got the feeling she was more confident in herself from the last time I saw her. She is a lovely lass and I hope everything continues to go well for her. We had a lovely meal. I got the hang of the chopsticks again. We all talked about various things. How life was treating us all. Happy and sad it was all there. It was a release for me. I've had to deal with a few things since I was last out and make a few changes. One thing I hope continues is being able to see my friends where ever they are in this country.

After the meal we went to a bar called the Yard. I lost everyone briefly thinking they had gone upstairs. Eventually I found them. Upstairs was packed, so not much chance off having a dance. A male admirer and his wife ended up talking to us. I got asked about my hands. They are the one thing that dosen't give me away. They are smaller or about the same size as some womens' I know. It also seems I look smaller than my actual height and I got complemented on my cheek bones. It is nice to get these compliments, but when you have another bloke standing at the bar staring at you it is a bit strange. I am hetrosexual, but these days sex isn't an issue at all. It's been a few years and these days I would be more than happy to just go out shopping with a girl. Men do not interest me at all.

One thing talking to Gemma and Karen and other girls since I've been getting out. I've wondered what effect the hormones would have on me. I've always wondered how I would be as a woman.

That journey isn't for me. I may not be much of a man, but I am and I do not have the will or courage to transition and all power to those that do. Taking hormones could be potentially very dangerous I guess, for me as my system is a bit screwed up. I have heard of a lady in the States who has MS and is continuing to transition that shows how much it means to those who take that road. It really is tough and that is understatement.

The night came to an end and we all hugged. Gemma had her car and was dropping Bea and Karen off.

It was the end of a fantastic night out. Next time in Newcastle I want to spend a couple of days there and go shopping, but Manchester is next and I basically get to live as I want for 5 days, but more importantly see more of my friends. I really am lucky.

May you realise your dreams and goals.

Love

Karen xx

P.S. The picture above is me in the restaurant really happy. It just felt right to put it with this post.

Stressed, but having fun I think

Sitting in the hotel in Newcastle at the moment and the place is full of stag and hen parties. I think half of Ireland is here. This is going to be fun. This is the first time I've stayed in a hotel not close to the Village in Manchester. Last time in Newcastle I stayed with Bea. It's all character building stuff. I guess I am a bit stressed the eye is worse, but I know that is only temporary. Better get back to getting ready. Should be funny reading this later.

A Clearer View (and sore feet) Part Two Saturday/Sunday

I got up after about 4 hours sleep. Actually the best I'd had in a long time. I got dressed and went out to the shop. Not long after I returned Diana was up and ready. Outside it was another beautiful sunny day. While we were waiting for Kate I asked Di to take some photos. A record of my times out has become really important to me. If there comes a time when I am unable to get out that maybe all I have left. It a sobering thought. The attack on my eye really scared me. I think my biggest fear is losing my eyesight. This is why I need to get the most out of life. The chances are I'll be fine, but just in case.........
Kate appeared and we off for breakfast. I had a big greasy fry up. There was something beautiful about sitting in the sunshine chatting and having breakfast with 2 good friends. We were 3 women out for the day. It's moments like these that make life so beautiful.
We went off into the city centre.I managed to buy a watch, bracelet and a pair of white jeans. I did get another pair of sunglasses after borrowing Kate's, but I found my dodgy eye went weird when I took them off for awhile. I decided to leave them off.
I did my usual visit to the MAC counter in Selfridges and bought a very deep red lipstick. Perhaps over the top, but I love the shade.
After we were all shopped out we headed back to the Village where we met up with Mandy, Emma and her wife for a drink in Taurus. It was great to see Mandy and Emma again and a pleasure to meet Mrs Emma.
I had to go back to the hotel to get changed for the evening. Back in my room I thought this is going to quickly. I wish I had more time. The 5 days I had spent down before was a nice length of time. It felt like a good holiday.
We were all going to meet in the View bar. I arrived first. The Village was very busy as was the View. Just as I got a drink, I saw Tina who looked stunning. We went downstairs to wait for the others. Everybody eventually arrived including Kate's wife, Tina's wife, who I had never met and it was a pleasure to meet her. It was also nice to see Lisa out again.
I had a few questions about the MS and if I was ok. I assured them I was. I had a good chat with Mrs Kate who had been ill recently. I was glad to see she had recovered.
We moved on to Villagio for a lovely meal. Then we went on to Velvet which was packed. When I went out for a smoke some of the girls were outside. I think it had got a bit much for them as well. It was then decided we would all go to Naps. After a couple of dances my feet were really sore so much so I nipped back to my room to changes shoes. Luckily it was just round the corner.
Into a pair of flats I discovered a couple of blisters on my toes. A bit more comfortable I went back. A fantastic night edged to a close. People began to leave. After lots of hugs just Di and myself were left. We decided to call it a night. Di said she wanted to see me up to the train station in the morning.
I had another good sleep, a bit sad another fantastic couple of days had come to an end.
In the morning back in drab I rang Di to see if she was up. I think she got ready in record time.
Dragging my bag up Canal St with Di walking beside me we looked for somewhere to get a cpffee.
We met up with the 2 Kates. Because time was getting on for me catching my train we decided to get a coffee at the train station. It was a beautiful day again and I really did not want to leave.
This was a lovely way to end a fantastic weekend. Me back as a bloke being seen off by 3 beautiful women, my best friends. As the song in another post says 'It's a Beautiful Day', actually they were all beautiful days.

Karen xx

A Clearer View (and sore feet) Part One Friday 29th May

I had a wonderful weekend in Manchester. There have been a lot of things spinning round my head, but things have been falling into place and getting out again was another piece of the jigsaw that fell into place.
I was nervous for some strange reason, since I was told about the MS. I had been out down here lots of times before . I guess the shock had given me a real knock.
The simple fact I had been told it's my life, how I deal with it is up to me, and that has been reinforced by my GP who I met for the first time today.She was brilliant and very supportive.

I was supposed to meet Kate in the afternoon when I got down on Friday, but she was unavoidable delayed. I got changed and got the war paint on, and then decided to go into the city centre for a quick wander and get some tights.
Walking through the streets, it really struck me, this is me who I am. Male/Female, people can come out with all the labels they want, but I know who I am and what I want to do. I try not to bother or annoy anyone and I take people as I find them. I've been pulling things apart and really looking at myself. I'm lucky, I've had a good life so far. There are some things I wish hadn't happened, but there was really nothing I could do about those. Yes I do have hang ups like coming out fully. What would be the point, just a load of grief. It saddens me to see how some people in the Trans community are treated and even within it there are those with their own agenda. Politics in any sphere can be a snake pit. You have to tread carefully to avoid being bitten.
This in a strange way has been a boost. I've been told that I'm in charge of my life as much as possible and to use that to live it. I intend to and this was a good start. For me things have never been clearer. My life has had many twists and turns and there will probably be a few more before I'm finished. I have coped and will continue to cope the best I can. Life is to precious to just throw away.

I bought some tights in Frasers and returned to the Village doing some window shopping on the way. It was glorious sunny day and it was like any problems had just melted away.
Kate had arrived and was nearly ready so I walked down to her hotel to meet up.
Kate looked great in her summer outfit, We went to Taurus for a couple of drinks while we waited for Diana.
I hadn't seen Diana since she had some cosmetic surgery done. I always thought Diana looked great, but when she turned up I thought WOW! She looked amazing. Her face looked softer even more feminine. We had a table by the window which was open. I had to nip outside and stood by the window. Diana gave me a disapproving look when I lit up a ciggie. Unfortunately after being told I had MS I did fall back into that bad habit. We did have a laugh and joked about it and took some silly pictures.
We had a lovely meal and Diana and Kate brought me up to speed on everything that had happened since I'd been down last.
It came time to go back to our rooms for a quick change and then we went to the Bar Below then onto Naps. It was great to be out dancing again. We stayed to near 4am.
We agreed to meet up in the morning about 10 30am to go shopping.
I went back to my room for a few hours sleep a very happy lass

My World.- Past, Present, Future? (or me rambling on again)

When I decided to start this blog, I had never really done anything like this before.
The first post was about Mars. I was unsure what to write if not a little nervous.
I remember I had put a post up about my first time out in 20 years as Karen, on the Angels Forum. Next week it'll be a year since I started this blog. I've recorded what were for me some wonderful times. At this point in time I feel I've been given one massive kick up the backside.
I guess I wasn't very imaginative when I called it My World. I did once like playing computer games where I could take over the world or even the universe.
It's been a pretty intense 12 months, and this blog only has some of what I've been doing. I think I've managed to come out of my shell quite a bit, and I know I'm more confident. I've actually really enjoyed life in the last year. I managed to come out of what were some tough times for me. I've met some wonderful people some of who read my ramblings and they have become really good friends.
Everything was going great, at times better than I could ever of dreamed. Then as you may have seen a few posts earlier it was like a bomb got dropped into My World. I really didn't see that one coming.
Being told I have MS was a shock to say the least. I knew a small bit about it which turned out to be not very much at all. Actually nobody knows what causes it. Got a new word burned into brain. Myelin. Seems my immune system likes to attack it occasionally.
One thing I noticed reading about it on the net was that it seems twice as many women have MS as men. Time for a really mad thought.Did being TG increase my chances, make me more susceptible. Crazy how you can try and connect things.
I recently left a comment on another girls' blog, "You can't win every battle, but that does not mean you've lost either." That just popped into my head as I was reading her post and I thought that applies to me.
I also saw a programme about the New Zealand SAS and the 9 month training cycle they go through to be selected. They talked a lot about developing the right mental attitude, for me thats something I've got to do.
I've always tried to look for the positives in anything. This may be a difficult one,but I'll give it my best shot.

I've never really posted anything much about the last time I was out,except about the mishap in a certain store in Liverpool 1.
I spent 5 days out the longest I've left my male aspect well and truly in the background. It was an amazing experience and to be honest it felt to short.
On a side note I would love to rent one of those apartments, that I have stayed in, for a week. Something I will have to do first is permanently remove my facial hair.
I am debating whether to do it. Now things have become more urgent, the decision will be made soon. It would be so much easier not to continually be shaving and hopefully I wouldn't have to plaster the make up on.

I went through to Blackpool on the train. It was great to see the old place again, but I must say it was looking a bit worse for wear. I only stayed for a couple of hours wandering round the town centre. I did a bit of shopping and then it was time to head back. The train journey back was probably the most enjoyable train journey I've ever been on. The train was packed with students returning home from their union conference. I must admit I felt very nervous plus I thought my make up might be melting with the heat. I needn't have worried I ended up chatting to some of them. Mainly talking politics, they didn't bat an eyelid when speaking to me. Just treated me as another woman they had met on the train. I must admit it was a fantastic feeling. Unfortunately they all got off at Preston.
Back in Manchester I stopped to talk to a lass handing out anti BNP leaflets. The way things have been going in this country and with the MP's expenses scandals, their is a chance one of those morons could get elected in the up coming Euro elections.I've added a link below to the site of anti fascist magazine Searchlight. We wished each other well and I headed back to the Village.


Searchlight

The next day with Diana and the two Kates we went through to Liverpool on the train.
Unfortunately as recorded in a previous post the day fell flat.

The next day Diana and myself went shopping in Manchester where our faith was restored and we couldn't have been treated better. Diana bought a beautiful dress for the ballroom dancing that night.
It was a really fun evening with June Collins from Ireland giving us lessons. One thing I was thankful for was not falling over, but I really do have 2 left feet.
The next day Sunday we spent the afternoon at Trans-Fixed where June was having a make over and photo shoot. We also met up with Jane a really nice lass who I had met a couple of times before.
Diana had to head of home and I met up with June later on for a few drinks.
When the evening came to an end, June and myself parted company. I got talking to a woman outside the Annexe where I was staying. She seemed to have had a bit to much to drink and started coming on to me. I really was tempted. It has been a long time, but I thought no. If she had been a bit more sober I think I would have. She wasn't blazing, but enough to feel like it would be taking advantage.
5 wonderful days came to an end. I guess this account is a bit subdued. It did get overshadowed by the Transphobic incident in Liverpool and later on when the crap hit the fan for me.
Which ever way I look at it life has changed for me. I don't know if it was a good idea coming out about the MS on here. I was feeling very low. It has given me a new perspective on a few things. I've thought about what will happen if the worst happens, but then again what is the worst. I hope I never find out. It's not death I fear but extreme pain. From what I understand it does not kill many people. It's horrible thing when your own body turns against you. Ok this can't be cured, but what must be torture is when something can be treated or corrected and isn't due to the cost.
To me watching the carry on with these MP's lately and the billions the government wants to spend on Trident is just sick.
To end I'm really looking forward to the couple of days out in Manchester next week.
In a way it feels a bit like a new start, but it isn't really, only that I know myself better in a lot of ways, and some things are much clearer.
Life is for Living

Karen xxx

Transphobia

I spent a wonderful 5 days out in Manchester travelling on the train through to Blackpool and Liverpool. Sadly in Liverpool in the Debenhams store, the security must have considered me as some sort of risk or perhaps I was about to break some law being dressed as I was (see photo taken a little later).
What happened? I wanted to try a dress on and went over towards the queue for the fitting rooms to ask an assistant if it would be ok. I always ask and would never dream of just walking in to the fitting rooms without asking. The shop assistants when I have been out shopping in Manchester and Blackpool have always been sensitive to my needs and other customers when I've needed to try clothes on.
I never got to speak to an assistant within 30 seconds of joining the queue a security guard came and announced 'YOU HAVE BEEN SPOTTED BY THE CONTROL ROOM' and proceeded to tell me I would have to use the changing rooms on another floor. He did say the Men's.
Other people were now looking at me and I just felt sick. I went back to my friends and put the dress back. I told them what had happened and they were horrified.
We left, on the way out I asked the security if this was standard policy to treat trans gendered people like this. He just said that the control room had spotted us and was told to tell me that I would have to use the men's changing room.
It seems to me that I was doing something wrong because of my appearance and that the security considered me a threat that the shop assistants would not be able to deal with in the women's department. I only wanted to ask about a dress and possibly try it on.
I've sent an email to the company about this it'll be interesting to see if I get a reply.
Sadly I don't know if I will bother to go back to Liverpool. Liverpool 1 is intimidating with the amount of security swarming round the place very visibly. It should have made us feel safer, but to be honest and I think my friends would agree we felt we were being constantly watched and not really welcome.
I really hope I get a positive reply. Liverpool is a city I have many fond memories of and it is a place I really wanted to get out in. In it's defence it was ladies day at Aintree which tends to bring out a lot of drunks and idiots so I am told, but really that is no excuse for why I was treated like that.
On a positive note in the MAC shop I got some good advice on my foundation now that they don't stock the full coverage and a sample of the Studio Fix liquid to try.
Cafe Rouge, I think it was where we had breakfast treated us really well. Even using the ladies in Lime Street Station I had to pass a police officer and had no problems.
The incident did give me a knock as it did my friend Diana who is from Liverpool.
Our faith was restored the next day when we were out shopping in Manchester. We could not have been treated better.
In conclusion I sincerely hope this is not normal practise in Liverpool 1

In The Company Of Angels: One Year Gone

I noticed its a year since I joined the Angels Forum. 6th March 2008.
Joining Angels really was the catalyst for me getting out again in K mode.
It has been a fantastic year which has all been reported on this blog, except for the first time I ventured out in over 20 years at the end of April last year.
So in an attempt to correct that I've put a link to the post I wrote describing those 2 days if anyone is interested.
It was great for me reading it again.
In the past year I really have been in the company of Angels and may that long continue and all being well hopefully see you all soon.
Love
Karen xx

The Angels • View topic - Alive and Kicking: "Postby karen on Fri May 02, 2008 8:32 pm