East to West (Another Hurdle Overcome)

Newcastle Friday

On Friday I went to Newcastle for a night out Bea, Gemma,  Donna, Karen D, and Karen M. The hotel I stayed in was full of stag and hen parties same as the last time I stayed there. I wasn't really worried. My confidence must be getting better. I was still a bit nervous and there was no way I was using a lift full of drunken blokes. I always think to myself would my wife have done this. I try to think as much like her when it comes to awkward situations, well how I think she would have handled them.
We all met up at Twist and then went on to Puccinini's the Italian restaurant we dined in first time I was out in Newcastle.
I did bring up about my plans to travel to Manchester as female. I was told not to worry as I would be fine. I   must admit I was still unsure. I had been fretting about this for some time.
Other subjects came up like transitioning and Gemma's friend, a genetic girl, wanted to know about how we viewed ourselves, basically our sexuality as she found it all very confusing.
All I could really say is don't confuse gender identity with sexuality. You look at anyone and just looking at bhow they present themselves you probably can't tell what their sexuality is 100% and that goes for everyone trans or not. Be comfortable with your own and you won't have a problem with other peoples. She asked about me and I said I'm hetrosexual, but really it dosen't interest me these days since my wife passed on. When I present as female it's not about sex. For me personally I cannot be female in bed so when it came to sex I am a hetrosexual male. We are all different, but don't make the mistake of confusing identity with sexuality. In the end all I can do is say about myself and really you have to get to know someone before making any judgements.
After the meal we went on to The Yard for a few drinks. The one thing that surprised me was that it was pretty quiet for a Friday night. I decided to leave about 1am because I wanted to get up reasonably early to get ready for the trip to Manchester. I had decided that I was going to make the most of my time out and confront another fear. Karen was going to Manchester on the train.

The Train Journey Saturday Morning

I awoke just after 7am. It looked a reasonable day a bit windy but not raining. I got ready and dressed to blend in. Jeans, a top, flat ankle boots and my coat. I also tried to use as little make up as possible.
Everything packed, I thought to myself I really need a bigger handbag. Wheeling my luggage down to the reception it was quite busy. At the desk I handed in the keycard and I thought here it comes she is going to use my male name. The receptionist didn't, but gave me a quite beautiful smile and asked if I had enjoyed my stay as I paid the bill. She wished me a good safe onward journey. I left probably with a very big smile. I walked up to the station which wasn't far away. I had to remember not to sling my bag over my shoulder when I couldn't wheel it. That wouldn't be very ladylike.
It was just after 9am and Newcastle station was relatively busy. I checked for the next train. I had to change at York and the train was in about10 minutes on the other side of the station, so off I went. I didn't notice anyone paying much attention to me. I felt good maybe I was blending in. The train a X-Country to Reading wasn't to full.  I boarded and put my luggage in a rack and got a seat near it so I could keep an eye on it. 2 teenage girls sat in the seats ahead of me.and never batted an eyelid when they saw me. Actually I think they were to busy discussing the night before and what they had been up to.
The journey was uneventful. I wished I had a couple of magazines to read or my mp3 player. I texted Kate to let her know I was on my way and when I would be arriving and where we could meet.
York station was busy and that was the first leg over. Looking for my connection a Transpennine Express to Liverpool which made me smile. It really was Trans today. Sorry terrible joke. Coming over the bridge from another platform were a group of lads chanting and making a racket. I thought here we go. They were stopped by the police and then ejected from the station.. I caught the train which was busier than the last one.
At Leeds it really started to fill up. A lady sat down next to me. She could have sat elsewhere, but she smiled at me and then rummaged around in her handbag. Touched up her make up and then settled to read her magazine. By the time we got to Manchester it was standing room only.
Getting of the train I thought to myself you did it. I had this amazing sense of freedom. I had never really felt that before it was almost overwhelming. I have had intense feelings of happiness and joy when I've been out, but this was different. I can only think of one thing that could replicate that feeling and that can't happen. I hope where ever she is, she saw a truly amazing moment. For a short time I knew what it was to be free from my fears, everything, that is the only way I can describe it..

Saturday Afternoonm / Evening

I went to the hotel and found my room wasn't ready so they stored my bag and said it would be ready in an hour. I was a bit early. I to The View bar for a drink and meet up with Kate. When Kate arrived she looked really good. I know she has been dieting and she has lost quite a bit of weight since I last saw her.
It was great to see her again. By this time I probably had a smile that stretched back to Newcastle.
After going back to the hotel getting my room and a quick check of my face we went shopping. Arriving in the city and not having to get changed just added to the sense of freedom.
We went for something to eat in Debenhams as I hadn't had any breakfast. Out shopping I bought a pair of jeans size 10 which fit perfectly, better than any of bob's. A really nice jumper, a 14, I seem to be getting smaller. Hopefully my shoulders will shrink a bit more.While we were out the wind was quite strong and it rained quite a bit, but it didn't matter.
Later that evening after we had decided to get back and changed for the evening. We met up again for a meal in Velvet. It was great to catch up on everything that had happened since I was last down. It was a shame Mrs Kate didn't make it out, but hopefully she will next time.
We eventually we ended up in Naps which was quite warm and after dancing for nearly an hour my right leg began to feel a bit strange, but after cooling down everything returned to normal. I have a good idea what was wrong and it wasn't a problem. Kate was concerned, but I assured her I was fine.
The night came to an end and we parted company. I had had a fantastic time, we hugged and parted company. It was just after 3am and I thought being Sunday I wouldn't get up to early. It would turn out to be an intense emotional day.

Sunday

I got up just after 10am and decided to go for another wander round the shops and down to the Christmas Market. I ended up going to te Arndale Centre and bought a nice pair of flat shoes. I am a bit wary of heels at the moment. I also got some more jewelleryy. A thought struck me. I've been looking for Sarah McLachlan's dvd Mirrorballl for some while. I went off to HMV. They didn't have it, but they did have the Afterglow dvd and cd set. Needless to say I bought it. The link below is a song from the dvd.
  .YouTube - "Possession (Live)"
Time was moving on and the Transgender Remembrance in Sackville Gardens was at 3 45 so I headed back to the Village..Later that night I posted on my other blog about the service. The link below takes you there.
Limbo Land: Transgender Day Of Remembrance
Afterwards I spoke to a few girls and Andrea Waddell's brother Nick in Taurus. He told me about his sister and we talked about Brighton and how he thought she would be safe there.Tragically that wasn't the case. My couple of times there left me with the impression of a very friendly tolerant place, but it only takes one, words fail me to describe the thing that murdered her.Later on before he left he came and hugged me. No more words were needed. I must admit I felt quite emotional.
I had interesting chat with Ellie who was really nice and told me some great stories and I hope her transition continues to go well. I spoke to a few other girls as well. It was just sad that we were all there for something that shouldn't be needed, but is.
After getting something to eat I went back to the hotel and wrote the post on Limbo Land it was something I needed to do. That blog is part of a multiple sclerosis blog list so perhaps some people outside the Trans World will read it and think why do these people have to suffer this violence and hopefully find we are just trying to  live like anyone else.
The whole 3 days was like living on a rollercoaster, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I am just sad that Sunday evening had to happen.
Look after yourselves out there
Karen xx